Eat Together, Make Life Delicious...

Last week I filmed a video on how I get my kids to set the table. It was pretty silly. After editing and posting it later that night it dawned on me I didn't address the most important aspect of getting my kids to set the table, or for that matter do anything I request of them: why it matters.

And it was funny, even though in my heart I knew why it mattered, I found myself having a hard time articulating it. It felt like I had been just acting on auto pilot and once I slowed down to figure out what I wanted to say I was a little stumped. But after mulling over the question 'why it matters' (beyond because I said so) I came up with this:

It matters because we want our kids to grow up with a sense of self, accomplishment, and responsibility. And kids want to participate, have jobs, a role, they want to help, they are looking for a place to belong, for you to be proud of them, to be proud of themselves, and be paid attention to.

Ok, if you can see where I am going with this and and are shaking your head 'yes, I like that', I wonder if you can also see (and I am not saying YOU do this, but I know I am guilty of it) that just shouting out -set that table- doesn't accomplish this in the slightest.

So what does? It's simple, get connected with them in the spirit of even the simplest of things count and help make us proud.

Take the time to explain why you want what you want and what the big picture is (by the way this works with people of all shapes, sizes, and ages!)

Something like 'I'd like you to set the table, because it's your job and your part in this family. We all have roles and responsibilities, and this one is yours. Embrace it, rock it out, and make it great. I know you will do an excellent job. And it matters.'

And if you kid is staring at you and doesn't budge ask them why. And from here you will have a much better chance at getting their truth and you sharing yours.

In one such conversation my middle daughter said she felt like she had more work than the others and it wasn't fair. And though that wasn't true, that's what she thought and so her willingness to help was hampered by that. Once I was able to show her that wasn't true and in fact everyone had their thing to do, she was far happier and less argumentative. And then I realized as a kid (I was the middle one too) I had the same feelings. When I told her that she blossomed with a sense of belong, we were connected. (and yes, I'll get into the middle kid syndrome in another blog!) I would not have been able to get anything remotely like that out of her had I been just shouting orders.

So try it. Take the time and get connected. And be patient. You might need to untrain them from just taking orders from you and carrying them out. Start with opening the dialogue and explain to them why it matters, because it really does.